I wrote this yesterday, as a pseudo-journal. As much as I would like to refine it and put it in some sort of order that may or may not make more sense, what came through was organic and makes its own sense in doing so. It follows more of a creative flow, which is non-linear. More of where-we-are-headed (I think), and less intellectual linear-ness. My apologies if it does not make sense in its form as it is written. As I said, it's in-flow, and in the form of how my spirit speaks. My hope is that on some level it will bring hope, awareness and whatever-else-you-may-need-at-this-moment by reading it.
Enjoy:
These last couple of days have been interesting… Today I cannot stop between eating and drinking tea, and am beyond tired.
Yesterday I felt a bone-cold chill most of the day, which I was shown was the cold of the cosmos… that I (and others) were feeling the actual cold that is in the stillness of space… that the changes are indeed at our doorstep. I also came home from work, completely passed out on the futon, mid-computering, for two hours… Then laid down on my bed and fell asleep from 7pm-11:30pm, got up, was semi-awake for a half an hour or so, then fell asleep again until 7am. And was still tired all day today. In fact, I will probably go to bed soon (it's 6:30pm). (For those of us who are energetically sensitive to the shifts happening, I am sure you are having your own version of this. For those of you that have not yet been sensitive, this is what you can look forward to. LOL)
Besides all of that, so many things were huge yesterday. Working backwards a bit, before I fell asleep the first time on the bed, I was in the in-between state (not asleep but not awake… It feels to me like a heightened state, actually, of being very aware and in or just above the body, but just… well… in-between states). I was super aware of an angelic or benevolent presence that looked a lot like the energy in the pictures I took at Akaka Falls just two days before. There was no humanoid shape (if anything, closer to an orb), just a magenta and rainbow energy, and they facilitated upgrades, grid work, etc. on me. It was very cool to see all of the interconnecting energy lines (but, less lines and more like whispy arteries or mesh or something…like what you see in the natural world a lot - the inner workings of things and connected tendrils). I knew and had the solid sense that huge shifts were going on, and could feel them energetically and physically as well.
Even before this during the day, lots of things were happening… In the morning I was moody and could not pinpoint what it was, exactly. Through the day and through a text with a best friend, I found that I was getting ready to process a huge piece and blockage that had been there for a long time.
It had started to break loose - or, rather, the initial hammer had hit - the night before. I had gone to dinner with a couple of friends, and had a great time. There was laughing, there were women dressed up (myself included, from work), and there was winking. A couple of times. Now, my one friend is a winker. I am not in like with her in that way, and she is not with me. The hammer, however, struck me because although I have had my crushes or likes or whatever-label-you-want-to-call-them-for-me-liking-people-and-they-not-returning-the-like, it's been years since I've had a dinner with an attractive, dressed-up woman who winked at me… or had any kind of female attention that I allowed to be serious or received. Perhaps before I've not been in that setting and been in as receptive of a space as I am now.
The point of this piece is that it truly was the hammer that begun to knock loose something within me that I had forgotten was there, and now I am able to actually have on a different level. I had a few huge moments of release of grief for not having had an actual, mutual connection with a woman in years… even through a few relationships… for not having had that depth of care and tenderness, and for not having been receptive to that until probably right now. I have longed for it my whole life, yet only now have I come to a place where I can have it - where I can receive it. I felt a huge wall crumble and fall yesterday - I literally saw a huge stone wall fall down in/from my space energetically.
It is also only now that I have reached a space of having a deep caring and a tenderness for myself… that I see myself as precious and through all of the grief and letting go yesterday, I had and have such a tenderness… a preciousness and a compassion for myself in this. I truly want for myself to have this experience of a beautiful, tender relationship. To give and receive all that is in my heart and theirs. I just… see myself and have a great care of myself that I haven't before. I am still me, yet also can be outside of myself and hold this compassion and preciousness for myself. It is an amazing space to be in… I have still not processed it all, and things are shifting and integrating… yet I feel I am ready now. I have a solidarity that I am ready now for my Partner. I hold this tenderness for myself, for me to have it…and I hold a preciousness for myself to wait for it because I am sacred unto myself. Through all that my life has been, and is, and will be… I hold myself sacred. With the big fat mess in certain areas of my life that it is right now, it is o.k. It is nothing more than a messy room. It will be messy for a while, or not, but I am not my messy room. I am a sacred child of the Universe, and I am as powerful and as precious as a shining star.
I wish that all of us are able to get here - to this space. For even before this space and beyond this space we are able to see this in each other as well. That we are all precious, powerful, shining stars.
Much Love to All,
Holly
